Learning more about a lot of different angles to relationships can be a great place to start - but then we have to put it into action. Social media, reading, thinking about what we’re learning: that’s all important towards growing as a good friend, partner, co-worker or just a better human generally. But if that’s all you’re doing, it’s not enough. We can learn all of the things, but then we have to put them into action. Tiny squares only hold so much, and it’s hard to know what advice applies where. Think of it this way: you can read all about basketball and watch as many games as you want, but you can’t really get better at the sport unless you spend time with a ball in your hands playing other people. Because of the way we’re socialized, White ladies especially have some major contradictions that prevent us from moving forward and showing up supportively for *everyone* around us, including ourselves.
At Enthusiastic Neighbor, we know that showing up is a skill, and its time we started treating it that way —
by giving adults the space and confidence to practice, in community, knowing they’re not alone.
And that’s where More-Than-Books Club comes in…
When we all stop looking at being compassionate and kind and inclusive as “helping” others and start seeing it as a way of life that requires us to unpack our socialization and repack skills and knowledge, the world will shift in ways we never thought possible.
All MTBC "residents" have access to:
discussion forums happening around unpacking socialization, repacking skills + taking action
"resident"-only events, including one 90-minute general discussion and one 60-minute "skill" workshop per month
additional "recommended reading" evergreen book discussion forums, where everyone reads at their own time and pace and can add to the ongoing discussion
In the future, I'd like to add additional paid programs accessible to MTBC members, which will hopefully include:
quarterly small group book discussions, doing a deep dive into a specific book
an 18-week group mentoring program around becoming an enthusiastic neighbor, including individual peer mentoring
You can sign up for More-Than-Books Club for $25 a month or $275 a year (pay for only 11 months!) here.
While MTBC is an affinity group, anyone - White lady or not - can make a one-time contribution and have access to a discussion board that will feature ongoing, occasional posts around Enthusiastic Neighbor generally, including some special offers.
White women, especially those of us who consider ourselves to be liberal and progressive, are dangerous in a lot of ways - not always intentionally, because we don’t know what we don’t know.
The work we’ll do together is grounded in collective liberation, because ultimately, none of us are free until we all are.
Will we talk about specific historically marginalized groups and history? Yes. But, mostly in the context of talking about specific situations that we need to process in the context of the root causes of the way we engage with the world, and a lot of that work will be done in collaboration with members of marginalized communities.
I’m not here to tell anyone what it feels like to be part of a marginalized group I don’t belong to - I’m here to support and encourage us, as White women, to recognize how our own identity interacts with other people so we can change the way we move through the world.
At its core, “White Ladies Getting Our Shit Together…Together” More-Than-Books Club is about processing and holding each other accountable to be able to respectfully and meaningfully engage with *everyone*. It’s about being a part of a group of women who are also disrupting the status quo, embracing connection, care, compassion and context and trying to turn their own good intentions into supportive actions in their existing relationships and communities, so that it doesn’t feel quite as lonely when you make choices that people around you might not understand.
And here’s the thing: this isn’t *just* about race. As White ladies (in the US + Canada most specifically but generally everywhere), we’re socialized with some very specific beliefs, which spill over into ALL of our interactions and relationships. I am a White lady and I can tell you with certainty I’ve been dismissed, dehumanized and belittled by other White ladies, and I’m sure I’ve done the same to others. Yes, it’s definitely about White supremacy, but that’s a much bigger topic than you think — and there’s a long history of harm.
White women receive deeply conflicting messages about how to connect with others and be in community from the time we are very young. Raised in a system that makes rugged individualism and maintaining the status quo the gold standard, we often don't have the skills necessary to make decisions that honor our own humanity, the humanity of others and our collective humanity. On one hand, we are given the message that everyone should stop and cater to our fears, feelings and needs when we are upset (even though this is actually about White men and our bodies as their property). At the same time, as a group historically marginalized based on gender, we also are taught that if we want to retain the power we have, we can’t rock the boat, make mistakes or create awkward situations, because of our socialized role to be perfect and uphold the supremacy of White men. Because of this, even when we recognize that our actions are upholding oppressive systems, we are either hesitant to act OR don’t have the skills to make a different decision.
This is where social-emotional learning and
embracing connection, care, compassion & context comes into play.
But…should we really have an affinity group?
My answer is a resounding yes.
There are a lot of contradictions about being a straight, cis, middle-class White lady and deciding to host & facilitate an affinity space for other White women. It’s taken me over two years to even remotely figure out how to do this in a way that honors the request of so many historically marginalized groups for us to stop making them teach us all the time, allows people to focus on supporting and healing within their own communities by utilizing the skills + views I bring to the table AND acknowledges that
anti-oppression work is difficult for people with privilege to “lead”.
I will talk with you for as long as you want about whether I’m the right coach/facilitator for you or if MTBC or another offering is the right fit for you. What I won’t do is “debate” whether or not I should even be doing this work.
By creating this community, I’m certainly not saying I’m perfect or even that I’ve “arrived” at some grand solution. I’m not here to give you rules or tell you I’m an expert on this stuff – I’m an expert learner. I’m great at taking in lots of information from different sources, thinking about content, nuance and where it’s coming from and then processing it through my own lens and life experience. I’m constantly making mistakes – we all will.
I’ve been what I like to call “White ladied”…. but I have DEFINITELY “White ladied” people.
This group is called “White Ladies Getting Our Sh*t Together…Together” for a reason.
One of the greatest contradictions in this work is around the idea that most actual anti-oppression work needs to be done inwardly by those with privilege AND that doesn’t mean we have any of the answers about how to actually do that. It’s a delicate balance. I use a lot of metaphors, but I like to think of myself as the train conductor. Someone else got you on the train; I’m helping you as it goes along its path; I’m not the one making the paths or trains though - that’s up to engineers and dispatchers and lots of other people who work on the overall system. In other words…
I’m facilitating and hosting the space; not leading on the broader work itself. Even though I’m offering peer mentoring and facilitation within More-Than-Books Club, at the end of the day, I’m another White lady on the same lifelong journey. I’m determined to make sure this affinity group is not just what I think will work, but is accountable to friends, mentors and advisors - especially women of color - who can help me make sure we’re considering multiple perspectives and I’m not missing important context. Click here to learn more about me, as well as who I learn with and from.
